The last few years have been a bit difficult for me to deal with. I am learning to cope and move on, but one thing I am having trouble with is change. I understand the importance of change - it is necessary. However, after many, many years of being beaten down emotionally, I am having an extremely hard time. I want to make a change, but I am scared. I realize everyone gets scared when change happens, but this is more than that. I am scared to even take a chance. I constantly ask myself what it would hurt to try. I get a sick feeling in my stomach even considering it. What if I make a change and I don't like it or it doesn't work out? What if I don't make the change - will I regret it for the rest of my life?
I am currently holding on the the hope of getting a promotion. At the same time I am not happy here. I feel like I am the punching bag for someones personal attacks and shortcomings. I have been trying to weigh the pros and cons of staying and going. I keep telling myself that it's time for me to move on and I believe it, but I haven't actually put in the effort. I have searched and I found a few things that I think I could do, but then I think I might not be good enough, after all, my current boss calls me the worst executive assistant ever. I don't even know why. I do everything he asks. I keep the stores clean and tidy. I wait on customers even when I am in the middle of something he's asked me to do and other employees won't budge from their chairs. I keep three flea market booths stocked to supplement his income.
I also want my husband to get a job. He thought he could supplement our income by doing shows and flea markets all the time, but they haven't been successful. I have convinced him to apply for a local factory job in hopes that it will lift some of the burden from my shoulders. I am hoping that after he gets a job, I won't feel so tired all the time. I want to be able to start sewing more and selling more of what I sew.
Last night I got home from work and had to fix dinner because he hadn't thought about it. After I fixed dinner, I went in my sewing room and started cutting squares to make corn hole bags. I cut several, the got so tired I couldn't do anymore. I was so mad at myself for wimping out. I also knew that if I kept cutting, I would probably make a mistake. So I finished up what I was in the middle of and then cleaned up the kitchen and put on my jammies. I ended up going to bed by 10 p.m.. That worked out because Puma, my kitty, was going in for surgery this morning and had to be kept away from food.
I have been trying to set up a budget we can live with, but there just doesn't seem to be enough money right now. I have also been trying to move things around to make it work, but the honey pot is nearly empty. I have to break it to my friends that we won't be going on vacation with them this year. It just isn't going to happen.