Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Looking for change.

The last few years have been a bit difficult for me to deal with.  I am learning to cope and move on, but one thing I am having trouble with is change.  I understand the importance of change - it is necessary.  However, after many, many years of being beaten down emotionally, I am having an extremely hard time.  I want to make a change, but I am scared.  I realize everyone gets scared when change happens, but this is more than that.  I am scared to even take a chance.  I constantly ask myself what it would hurt to try.  I get a sick feeling in my stomach even considering it.  What if I make a change and I don't like it or it doesn't work out? What if I don't make the change - will I regret it for the rest of my life?

I am currently holding on the the hope of getting a promotion.  At the same time I am not happy here.  I feel like I am the punching bag for someones personal attacks and shortcomings.  I have been trying to weigh the pros and cons of staying and going.  I keep telling myself that it's time for me to move on and I believe it, but I haven't actually put in the effort.  I have searched and I found a few things that I think I could do, but then I think I might not be good enough, after all, my current boss calls me the worst executive assistant ever.  I don't even know why.  I do everything he asks.  I keep the stores clean and tidy.  I wait on customers even when I am in the middle of something he's asked me to do and other employees won't budge from their chairs.  I keep three flea market booths stocked to supplement his income.

I also want my husband to get a job.  He thought he could supplement our income by doing shows and flea markets all the time, but they haven't been successful.  I have convinced him to apply for a local factory job in hopes that it will lift some of the burden from my shoulders. I am hoping that after he gets a job, I won't feel so tired all the time.  I want to be able to start sewing more and selling more of what I sew.

Last night I got home from work and had to fix dinner because he hadn't thought about it.  After I fixed dinner, I went in my sewing room and started cutting squares to make corn hole bags.  I cut several, the got so tired I couldn't do anymore.  I was so mad at myself for wimping out.  I also knew that if I kept cutting, I would probably make a mistake.  So I finished up what I was in the middle of and then cleaned up the kitchen and put on my jammies.  I ended up going to bed by 10 p.m..  That worked out because Puma, my kitty, was going in for surgery this morning and had to be kept away from food.

I have been trying to set up a budget we can live with, but there just doesn't seem to be enough money right now.  I have also been trying to move things around to make it work, but the honey pot is nearly empty.  I have to break it to my friends that we won't be going on vacation with them this year.  It just isn't going to happen.