Sometimes in life a little heartbreak....

My grandfather is 96.  Four years from a century of being on Earth.  I knew it would happen sooner or later.  No, he hasn't passed on.  He's losing his memories.  June 9, 2012, my beautiful niece was married.  After the wedding, we stopped by Grandpa's house to visit.  He seemed to be doing just fine.  We were carrying on a conversation like usual.  Then it happened.  He looked at his 12-year-old grandson and said "And who is this fine looking young man?"  Lliam, being the sensitive type, burst into tears.  I kept cool, but I think I was in shock.  I suggested to Lliam that he go outside and try to find some rabbits.  I sent his daddy after him to try to explain what just happened.  Grandpa looked at me sort of stunned and asked "Did I say something to offend him?"  I said no, that he had just had a long day with the wedding and all.  He asked who got married.  I explained it was his great granddaughter.  He thought about it for a few minutes and asked again who the boy was that had been sitting next to me.  I had to fight the tears.  I explained it again.  Then I changed the subject.  I asked him if he wanted to send Jessica a check for a wedding gift.  "Who's Jessica?"  I explained it again.  He decided he had better send one if she was his granddaughter.  I wrote the check out for $50 and let him sign it.  I also wrote a note explaining who, why and how much so when my mom visited next, she could explain it to him again.  I also balanced his check book and wrote on the bottom of the check "wedding gift" so he wouldn't think someone had just coerced him to give them money that he didn't know.

I had been given a warning about what was happening earlier in the day, but it didn't register until that moment.  My brother had explained to me that when he and his son were out to visit the day before, the exact same thing happened with his son.  It's heartbreaking when someone you love with all your heart doesn't have a clue who you are.

On the ride home, Lliam was still weepy so I tried to explain in a way that he might better understand.  Here's what I came up with on the fly.  "Lliam, you know when it is really, really foggy outside and you want to pull back the fog like curtains so you can see better?"
"Yeah."
"Well, that's kind of how it is in Grandpa's mind.  We are all in there somewhere, but he can't find us. It's sad, I know, but it happens to most older people.  Sometimes it happens way before this age, but it does happen. He's losing his memories in the fog."
"Oh."
"You know what else I think?  I think that when he goes to heaven to be with Grandma, he will remember every single thing that has ever happened in his life.  I also think that when he remembers something that involves you, that's when you think of a fond memory of him."
A small smile appeared.  "Dad, can we go fishing when we go camping?"

Here forever....

This is a Star Wars token and a polished black rock that were found among the debris after the house was demolished.  The person who found the token is who poured the concrete.  He thought is would be neat to put it in the cement footer.  

The same day, Lliam found this polished black rock from his rock collection in the dirt and Buddy said he could put it in there too.  I think it is awesome for Lliam to be a part of the construction process on the new house.  I know he's been struggling with losing all of his possessions.  He's had a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that 'things' can be replaced.  Take his 'Pooh Blanket', an item he's had since day one.  After the fire we couldn't find it and figured it was lost forever.  I got it in my head to try to find another blanket that looked just like it and I did.  I even found the binding I had used too.  I wrapped it up and gave it to Lliam for Christmas.  He nearly cried and so did I.  He loved it, but said it wasn't the same.  I told him I knew it wasn't the same, but at least he had something tangible to hold on to when he wanted to remember his blanket.  

Then, last week, a minor miracle occurred.  During the demolition of the house, Lance and Lliam went up to watch.  During one swipe of the bucket on the backhoe, a flash of pastel color appeared.  Instantly Lliam knew what it was. He waved his arms wildly and yelled for the equipment to stop. Lance had to hold him back until the workers could get it shut down. Lliam sprinted up to the pile.  There among the rubble was his beloved 'Pooh Blanket'.  It was slightly burnt and had smoke damage, but it was intact.  He was so happy!  So am I.  

Ugh -football season is back

Well so much for evening television when I watch. And it is only preseaon. Take this evening for example - was getting ready to watch a movie with George Lopez and in walks hubby and changes the channel to watch the Colts. EXCUSE ME!? AND at posting time they were losing!! Why do you want to watch them lose?

I need answers

I am SO tired of dealing with autism. Medication after medication. Hospitalizations. Meltdowns - his then mine. No time away. Oh sure, I just had a 5 day vacation, but damn after 9 years that's not very much. We can't go out - no one will watch him. We've lost most of our friends because he is out of control. The few we do have, haven't really seen much of a meltdown, YET.

I cry myself to sleep so often - I should be out of tears. Hell, I'm crying right now. He had a meltdown this evening in public - one lady threatened to call the police. I said 'Go ahead, I could use a break.' She huffed and walked away. Gee, lady thanks for the help!

Why?

Merry Christmas

Another Christmas is over and I am just worn out. We had a good one albeit slim. This economy has everyone in a tight spot this year.I did get a really cute pair of cowgirl boots and some Farmgirl apparel.

Lliam received mostly what he had asked Santa for. I think his most favorite thing was the Wii Harry Potter game he received from my mother. (see the expression on his face?)It was the very last thing his grandpa bought for him before he passed away. When I told Lliam this, he nearly burst into tears and ran to my mother for a big hug.

My grandpa is so very difficult to get gifts for. He is 92 years young and always says he doesn't want us to spend our money on him. Well, I just cannot justify this as he has always done so much for us. He had made a comment a few weeks ago about his bedroom being cold and having a hard time falling asleep between the icy cold sheets. He had thought about getting a small heater to put in there and then decided against that as it would increase his electric bill. So I thought and thought and thought about how to make is room warmer. This year I gave him flannel sheets. He said in all his 92 years, he had never had a set of flannel sheets. After I was sure he liked them, I put them on his bed (along with another blanket) and washed and dried the sheets I removed. I do hope it helps.

We are planning on starting a new little country market in 2009. It won't be much to start with as we won't have much to put in it. We are going to offer soaps, lip balms and other bath type products that are organic or mostly organic. We are also still shooting for the horse hotel. I am also going to offer upcycled aprons and other cutsie farmgirl things.