Thursday, December 20, 2012

A lighter shade of blue....

I am trying so hard not be a downer this Christmas but I'm finding it very difficult.  I keep telling myself to be thankful for everything and everyone.  I am trying to look forward to what the new year might bring, but those depressing thoughts keep shoving their way in like rude Black Friday shoppers.
It doesn't help that I am so completely congested and stuffed up, I can't see straight.
Hubs is sick - could be bronchitis don't know.  He can't cough very hard because of the nerve damage in his back so he chokes a lot.
Son has strep throat.  He went back to school today after being home for 6 days - he had to be on antibiotics for that one.
My friend in spending her birthday and Christmas in the hospital because of cancer.  I want to go visit, but I know better than to go up there like this.  That's the last thing she needs.
My grandpa doesn't know what day it is, then he does, then he doesn't.
My brother had to have a CT scan today because of a mass in his lungs that the doctor noticed when he did a chest X-ray for pneumonia.
The person who gave birth to me is psycho.
I have 3 lumps/bulges in my mid section that no one can seem to figure out what they are.  Comforting.
The young lady I call my 'foster' daughter is living in a garage.
I still owe the contractor money.
I am heartbroken about the families who are enduring way too much heartache in Connecticut.

I try to replace these negative thoughts with better ones.
I am sick, but I am not in the hospital with cancer.
Hubs can still walk even though his legs give out without notice.
Son is getting over the strep. He will have the next 2 weeks to fully recoup.  He is also spending the night Saturday with his grandpa(my dad) for the first time ever.
My friend is still alive when this cancer should have killed her already.  I am glad she gets to celebrate another birthday and Christmas with her family.
My grandpa thinks its 1947.  That's a good thing since things were better back then, harder, but better.
My brother's mass may just be related to the pneumonia, but if its not - hopefully they caught it early enough to fix it.
The person who gave birth to me is still a psycho and there's nothing that can be done about it.
My step-mother is going to check the lumps/bulges on Saturday when we go visit for Christmas - she's a nurse.
My 'foster' daughter is living in a garage and not on the street.  She has a job and is starting a better one in January.
I have a job.
I have a car that my boss pays the fuel for.
My house is done and we are comfortable in it.   I will make arrangements with the contractor to pay off what we owe him.
I have my son to hug.
I got a kitten for Christmas and just in time - her sister was hit by a car the next day.

I'm blue, but it's a lighter shade of blue.  I need some sunshine and a vacation.
I promise I will keep trying to think better thoughts, but its so hard sometimes.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


     Christmas is almost here and another year is almost over.  Recent events have made me stop and take a moment to reflect.  The most important thing in life is family and friends that you make your family.  I have very little of both, but I love them dearly.  After the tragedy on Friday, December 14, 2012 in Connecticut, I love them even more.  How anyone could murder children is beyond my comprehension.  It was reported that the gunman had Asperger's.  My own son has Asperger's.  I've talked to him about guns and his favorite video games which usually involve soldiers and shooting.  We've talked about how in the video games, when someone gets shot, they magically come back and can play again.  That doesn't happen in real life.  He is insists he knows the difference and he would never shoot a real person.  I hope beyond hope that he holds true to that.
     Guns are a part of our life.  We hunt and we like to target shoot.  I even have a pink gun.  No one is going to take my guns from me without a fight.  I have that right.  Guns don't kill people - people kill people.  The NFL player that killed his girlfriend and then himself could have used any manner of things to do the deed.  There was a Chinese man that slashed a bunch of school children with a knife.  We don't need more gun regulations  -  we need more openness about mental health.  People need to feel like getting help for emotional problems isn't wrong or bad.  Maybe that would prevent people from snapping.
Bring God back into schools and work and wherever He is needed.  If the Atheists and naysayers don't like it - tough - don't go or don't listen or don't participate.  Saying 'Happy Holidays' isn't the answer.  Christ is why we have Christmas and Easter.  Corporate greed is why we have gotten away from the real reasons.  It's why we've become numb.  Look at Black Friday - I hate Black Friday, which now begins on Thursday.  5000 people want 5 t.v.'s for $100.  Why - because marketing says we need to fight over it.  I don't need it and I won't buy it.
     People can also do evil in other ways.  When someone needs help or needs to be taken care of and they just stand by and watch is evil.  My mother is evil.  Some might say that is a terrible thing to say.  It would be if it weren't true.  She is evil.  My brother and I have been trying to get her to put him in a nursing home because he needs help.  He is 96 and shouldn't be living by himself.  He told me on Sunday (12/16/12) that he fell down the other day and hit his head.  He stumbles all the time and can't see very well.  He doesn't cook anymore and only eats what is in the fridge - no matter how long it's been in there.  He has internal health issues like rectal bleeding and explosive diarrhea.  Gross I know, but that's why he needs help.  He can't always make it to the bathroom in time and makes a mess.  She doesn't want to do anything because it might cost some money - money that would come out of her inheritance.  She's greedy and always has been.
She was out there on Sunday and was getting mad because she had to pay some of his bills, with his money and his checkbook.  She had to WRITE the checks and was mad.  She also got mad because I fixed Grandpa's coffee pot.  She said she had already fixed it and that he just wasn't trying hard enough.  Really? - He's 96, he shouldn't have to try very hard.  He didn't care who fixed it, he just wanted a cup of coffee.
     I'm also a little bit upset with my boss.  He's having a Christmas get-together at his house - his really big house in his really exclusive neighborhood.  My son is ill, but taking meds.  He doesn't want my son to come because he is ill.  I told him the nurse and the doctor said after 2 days on the meds, he wouldn't be contagious anymore.  He doesn't want him to come to his house because his girls might catch it.  I guess I'm not going to to go because I don't have a sitter and I don't want to leave him at home at night be himself.  I have left him alone before, but I won't do that at night.  Even though he is 12, it is still scarier at night.  Merry Christmas, Mr. Boss.
     I am trying to look forward to the new year.  We are planning our garden and how we can make some money from it.  We are planning on adding two or three new hives for the bees.  We are planning on getting a goat or two so that we can have milk to make things from and sell.  We are looking forward to the arrival of our chickens in January.  We are looking forward to Lliam actually going back to Alexandria Schools and trying to lead a normal life instead of going to school in a hospital.  We are looking forward to our little farm store actually getting off the ground and bringing in a few bucks.  We are looking forward to earning some money from starting beagle pups on rabbits and also selling rabbits.
     There's a ton of things to look back on and wonder why, but there's even more to look forward to and wonder why not.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.