In the midst of everything that is going on right now, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I want to cry, but can't. I sit at work trying to focus on work, but can only think about that for a few seconds before life creeps in. I am stressing about hubby's health - his diabetes is out of control. So much so that we made the trip to the ER to let the doctors try to help. His back is getting worse - which makes his legs not work right. He has other problems too, but he wouldn't appreciate me speaking about those.
Lliam is having more problems with attitude and fighting at school. We are reluctantly trying a new med for him. Something has to help. I can't deal with him refusing to go in the school and me having to try to wrestle him in there. My back still hurts from Monday's episode.
The construction is a little behind right now. We were supposed to be painting by this weekend and now it looks like we won't be painting until next week. The contractor is also saying we are closer to the budget than we originally thought. I still can't figure out how since just about everything we ordered was way under the budget limit for that particular area. I am still trying to decide if I picked the right colors for each room. Some rooms I am certain the color is right - others - not so much.
My mother is still being a pain the backside.
My brother got mad at me because I didn't tell him that Grandpa made a trip to the hospital (he never goes), but everything was fine so I didn't think it was necessary to tell him. Then he didn't bother to tell me that an aunt was diagnosed with cancer. She passed away 2 weeks after the doctors gave her 6 weeks. On top of that, he didn't even tell me when the funeral was. I wasn't able to go. When I told him I had taken Lance to the ER - he didn't ask if he was ok. Really - kiss my backside, pal.
And then there's work. I like my job - don't get me wrong. I just got a small raise, a car to drive and boss pays the gas, insurance and upkeep including car washes. I guess my issue is I work my tail off, do everything boss asks of me and I rarely get time off. He's let me have most of the days I asked for - Jessica's wedding, a trip to Ohio to sell at a flea market, things like that. But I don't have a regularly scheduled day off. He knows I need the money since Lance isn't working anymore, but come on. I NEED A DAY OFF! OR two or three when I don't have a single thing scheduled. I need a break.
Speaking of breaks - give me one from hearing about how much natural talent his children have. Of course they do great at whatever sport they happen to be in that week. He pays for them to take lessons from very expensive trainers and coaches. He knows it annoys me to hear about it because I don't have extra money for Lliam to even play in a school sport. Hell, he can't even join the Boy Scouts because I don't have the money to pay the dues. Jealous you say - yeah probably a little. I worked at a job where I made nearly $17 an hour and that job was eliminated. I started work here at $10 an hour about a year ago and that was after 2 years of looking. I am making more now, but I still have the bills I had from the good job. That job had regular days off, vacation time, health, dental, and vision insurance. This job has none of that. Be grateful I have a job - I am. If I didn't have this job, we would have lost the house altogether. I get that he's the boss and has money, but he doesn't have to flaunt it every single day. Just today he was talking about the upcoming family trip to Disney, and the Christmas-time trip to the Bahamas. He was actually complaining about having to stand in line at the post office to get new passports. Boo hoo. I don't even have a passport. My son has never even been to Canada. I want to take Lliam to Florida to see where he was born, but I don't even have the extra gas money for that.
What did I do wrong? What curse has befallen my family that I can't even take a vacation? Who did I piss off so much that my son can't play in a school sport or join the Boy Scouts?
Yeah, I had a pity party for myself just now, but I am so freaking frustrated I could explode. I work and work and work and still have nothing extra. I have trimmed the budget as much as I could. We are even trying to sell my truck and the old plow truck to bring in some extra money.
I know there are thousands of people out there with less than I have. There are people in Florida dealing with floods, Colorado dealing with fire, all over the country dealing with drought and hoards of unemployed people. I am sorry for them and I hope things all work out for them. But Damn it, I work hard and deserve the chance to relax once in a while. I shouldn't have the fear that if I ask for a day off, I might lose my job. I want to look for more gainful employment, but if the boss finds out I am looking, I will not even have this job. I feel like I am stuck.
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