A lighter shade of blue....

I am trying so hard not be a downer this Christmas but I'm finding it very difficult.  I keep telling myself to be thankful for everything and everyone.  I am trying to look forward to what the new year might bring, but those depressing thoughts keep shoving their way in like rude Black Friday shoppers.
It doesn't help that I am so completely congested and stuffed up, I can't see straight.
Hubs is sick - could be bronchitis don't know.  He can't cough very hard because of the nerve damage in his back so he chokes a lot.
Son has strep throat.  He went back to school today after being home for 6 days - he had to be on antibiotics for that one.
My friend in spending her birthday and Christmas in the hospital because of cancer.  I want to go visit, but I know better than to go up there like this.  That's the last thing she needs.
My grandpa doesn't know what day it is, then he does, then he doesn't.
My brother had to have a CT scan today because of a mass in his lungs that the doctor noticed when he did a chest X-ray for pneumonia.
The person who gave birth to me is psycho.
I have 3 lumps/bulges in my mid section that no one can seem to figure out what they are.  Comforting.
The young lady I call my 'foster' daughter is living in a garage.
I still owe the contractor money.
I am heartbroken about the families who are enduring way too much heartache in Connecticut.

I try to replace these negative thoughts with better ones.
I am sick, but I am not in the hospital with cancer.
Hubs can still walk even though his legs give out without notice.
Son is getting over the strep. He will have the next 2 weeks to fully recoup.  He is also spending the night Saturday with his grandpa(my dad) for the first time ever.
My friend is still alive when this cancer should have killed her already.  I am glad she gets to celebrate another birthday and Christmas with her family.
My grandpa thinks its 1947.  That's a good thing since things were better back then, harder, but better.
My brother's mass may just be related to the pneumonia, but if its not - hopefully they caught it early enough to fix it.
The person who gave birth to me is still a psycho and there's nothing that can be done about it.
My step-mother is going to check the lumps/bulges on Saturday when we go visit for Christmas - she's a nurse.
My 'foster' daughter is living in a garage and not on the street.  She has a job and is starting a better one in January.
I have a job.
I have a car that my boss pays the fuel for.
My house is done and we are comfortable in it.   I will make arrangements with the contractor to pay off what we owe him.
I have my son to hug.
I got a kitten for Christmas and just in time - her sister was hit by a car the next day.

I'm blue, but it's a lighter shade of blue.  I need some sunshine and a vacation.
I promise I will keep trying to think better thoughts, but its so hard sometimes.

Reflections

     Christmas is almost here and another year is almost over.  Recent events have made me stop and take a moment to reflect.  The most important thing in life is family and friends that you make your family.  I have very little of both, but I love them dearly.  After the tragedy on Friday, December 14, 2012 in Connecticut, I love them even more.  How anyone could murder children is beyond my comprehension.  It was reported that the gunman had Asperger's.  My own son has Asperger's.  I've talked to him about guns and his favorite video games which usually involve soldiers and shooting.  We've talked about how in the video games, when someone gets shot, they magically come back and can play again.  That doesn't happen in real life.  He is insists he knows the difference and he would never shoot a real person.  I hope beyond hope that he holds true to that.
     Guns are a part of our life.  We hunt and we like to target shoot.  I even have a pink gun.  No one is going to take my guns from me without a fight.  I have that right.  Guns don't kill people - people kill people.  The NFL player that killed his girlfriend and then himself could have used any manner of things to do the deed.  There was a Chinese man that slashed a bunch of school children with a knife.  We don't need more gun regulations  -  we need more openness about mental health.  People need to feel like getting help for emotional problems isn't wrong or bad.  Maybe that would prevent people from snapping.
Bring God back into schools and work and wherever He is needed.  If the Atheists and naysayers don't like it - tough - don't go or don't listen or don't participate.  Saying 'Happy Holidays' isn't the answer.  Christ is why we have Christmas and Easter.  Corporate greed is why we have gotten away from the real reasons.  It's why we've become numb.  Look at Black Friday - I hate Black Friday, which now begins on Thursday.  5000 people want 5 t.v.'s for $100.  Why - because marketing says we need to fight over it.  I don't need it and I won't buy it.
     People can also do evil in other ways.  When someone needs help or needs to be taken care of and they just stand by and watch is evil.  My mother is evil.  Some might say that is a terrible thing to say.  It would be if it weren't true.  She is evil.  My brother and I have been trying to get her to put him in a nursing home because he needs help.  He is 96 and shouldn't be living by himself.  He told me on Sunday (12/16/12) that he fell down the other day and hit his head.  He stumbles all the time and can't see very well.  He doesn't cook anymore and only eats what is in the fridge - no matter how long it's been in there.  He has internal health issues like rectal bleeding and explosive diarrhea.  Gross I know, but that's why he needs help.  He can't always make it to the bathroom in time and makes a mess.  She doesn't want to do anything because it might cost some money - money that would come out of her inheritance.  She's greedy and always has been.
She was out there on Sunday and was getting mad because she had to pay some of his bills, with his money and his checkbook.  She had to WRITE the checks and was mad.  She also got mad because I fixed Grandpa's coffee pot.  She said she had already fixed it and that he just wasn't trying hard enough.  Really? - He's 96, he shouldn't have to try very hard.  He didn't care who fixed it, he just wanted a cup of coffee.
     I'm also a little bit upset with my boss.  He's having a Christmas get-together at his house - his really big house in his really exclusive neighborhood.  My son is ill, but taking meds.  He doesn't want my son to come because he is ill.  I told him the nurse and the doctor said after 2 days on the meds, he wouldn't be contagious anymore.  He doesn't want him to come to his house because his girls might catch it.  I guess I'm not going to to go because I don't have a sitter and I don't want to leave him at home at night be himself.  I have left him alone before, but I won't do that at night.  Even though he is 12, it is still scarier at night.  Merry Christmas, Mr. Boss.
     I am trying to look forward to the new year.  We are planning our garden and how we can make some money from it.  We are planning on adding two or three new hives for the bees.  We are planning on getting a goat or two so that we can have milk to make things from and sell.  We are looking forward to the arrival of our chickens in January.  We are looking forward to Lliam actually going back to Alexandria Schools and trying to lead a normal life instead of going to school in a hospital.  We are looking forward to our little farm store actually getting off the ground and bringing in a few bucks.  We are looking forward to earning some money from starting beagle pups on rabbits and also selling rabbits.
     There's a ton of things to look back on and wonder why, but there's even more to look forward to and wonder why not.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Having a rough day

In the midst of everything that is going on right now, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I want to cry, but can't. I sit at work trying to focus on work, but can only think about that for a few seconds before life creeps in.  I am stressing about hubby's health - his diabetes is out of control. So much so that we made the trip to the ER to let the doctors try to help.  His back is getting worse - which makes his legs not work right.  He has other problems too, but he wouldn't appreciate me speaking about those.

Lliam is having more problems with attitude and fighting at school.  We are reluctantly trying a new med for him.  Something has to help.  I can't deal with him refusing to go in the school and me having to try to wrestle him in there.  My back still hurts from Monday's episode.

The construction is a little behind right now.  We were supposed to be painting by this weekend and now it looks like we won't be painting until next week.  The contractor is also saying we are closer to the budget than we originally thought.  I still can't figure out how since just about everything we ordered was way under the budget limit for that particular area.  I am still trying to decide if I picked the right colors for each room.  Some rooms I am certain the color is right - others - not so much.

My mother is still being a pain the backside.

My brother got mad at me because I didn't tell him that Grandpa made a trip to the hospital (he never goes), but everything was fine so I didn't think it was necessary to tell him.  Then he didn't bother to tell me that an aunt was diagnosed with cancer.  She passed away 2 weeks after the doctors gave her 6 weeks.  On top of that, he didn't even tell me when the funeral was.  I wasn't able to go.   When I told him I had taken Lance to the ER - he didn't ask if he was ok.  Really - kiss my backside, pal.

And then there's work.  I like my job - don't get me wrong.  I just got a small raise, a car to drive and boss pays the gas, insurance and upkeep including car washes.  I guess my issue is I work my tail off, do everything boss asks of me and I rarely get time off.  He's let me have most of the days I asked for - Jessica's wedding, a trip to Ohio to sell at a flea market, things like that.  But I don't have a regularly scheduled day off.  He knows I need the money since Lance isn't working anymore, but come on.  I NEED A DAY OFF!  OR two or three when I don't have a single thing scheduled.  I need a break.

Speaking of breaks - give me one from hearing about how much natural talent his children have.  Of course they do great at whatever sport they happen to be in that week.  He pays for them to take lessons from very expensive trainers and coaches.  He knows it annoys me to hear about it because I don't have extra money for Lliam to even play in a school sport.  Hell, he can't even join the Boy Scouts because I don't have the money to pay the dues.  Jealous you say - yeah probably a little.  I worked at a job where I made nearly $17 an hour and that job was eliminated.  I started work here at $10 an hour about a year ago and that was after 2 years of looking.  I am making more now, but I still have the bills I had from the good job.  That job had regular days off, vacation time, health, dental, and vision insurance.  This job has none of that.  Be grateful I have a job -  I am.  If I didn't have this job, we would have lost the house altogether.   I get that he's the boss and has money, but he doesn't have to flaunt it every single day.  Just today he was talking about the upcoming family trip to Disney, and the Christmas-time trip to the Bahamas.  He was actually complaining about having to stand in line at the post office to get new passports.  Boo hoo.  I don't even have a passport.  My son has never even been to Canada.  I want to take Lliam to Florida to see where he was born, but I don't even have the extra gas money for that.

What did I do wrong?  What curse has befallen my family that I can't even take a vacation?  Who did I piss off so much that my son can't play in a school sport or join the Boy Scouts?

Yeah, I had a pity party for myself just now, but I am so freaking frustrated I could explode.  I work and work and work and still have nothing extra.  I have trimmed the budget as much as I could.  We are even trying to sell my truck and the old plow truck to bring in some extra money.

I know there are thousands of people out there with less than I have.  There are people in Florida dealing with floods, Colorado dealing with fire, all over the country dealing with drought and hoards of unemployed people.  I am sorry for them and I hope things all work out for them.  But Damn it, I work hard and deserve the chance to relax once in a while.  I shouldn't have the fear that if I ask for a day off, I might lose my job.  I want to look for more gainful employment, but if the boss finds out I am looking, I will not even have this job.  I feel like I am stuck.

Sometimes in life a little heartbreak....

My grandfather is 96.  Four years from a century of being on Earth.  I knew it would happen sooner or later.  No, he hasn't passed on.  He's losing his memories.  June 9, 2012, my beautiful niece was married.  After the wedding, we stopped by Grandpa's house to visit.  He seemed to be doing just fine.  We were carrying on a conversation like usual.  Then it happened.  He looked at his 12-year-old grandson and said "And who is this fine looking young man?"  Lliam, being the sensitive type, burst into tears.  I kept cool, but I think I was in shock.  I suggested to Lliam that he go outside and try to find some rabbits.  I sent his daddy after him to try to explain what just happened.  Grandpa looked at me sort of stunned and asked "Did I say something to offend him?"  I said no, that he had just had a long day with the wedding and all.  He asked who got married.  I explained it was his great granddaughter.  He thought about it for a few minutes and asked again who the boy was that had been sitting next to me.  I had to fight the tears.  I explained it again.  Then I changed the subject.  I asked him if he wanted to send Jessica a check for a wedding gift.  "Who's Jessica?"  I explained it again.  He decided he had better send one if she was his granddaughter.  I wrote the check out for $50 and let him sign it.  I also wrote a note explaining who, why and how much so when my mom visited next, she could explain it to him again.  I also balanced his check book and wrote on the bottom of the check "wedding gift" so he wouldn't think someone had just coerced him to give them money that he didn't know.

I had been given a warning about what was happening earlier in the day, but it didn't register until that moment.  My brother had explained to me that when he and his son were out to visit the day before, the exact same thing happened with his son.  It's heartbreaking when someone you love with all your heart doesn't have a clue who you are.

On the ride home, Lliam was still weepy so I tried to explain in a way that he might better understand.  Here's what I came up with on the fly.  "Lliam, you know when it is really, really foggy outside and you want to pull back the fog like curtains so you can see better?"
"Yeah."
"Well, that's kind of how it is in Grandpa's mind.  We are all in there somewhere, but he can't find us. It's sad, I know, but it happens to most older people.  Sometimes it happens way before this age, but it does happen. He's losing his memories in the fog."
"Oh."
"You know what else I think?  I think that when he goes to heaven to be with Grandma, he will remember every single thing that has ever happened in his life.  I also think that when he remembers something that involves you, that's when you think of a fond memory of him."
A small smile appeared.  "Dad, can we go fishing when we go camping?"

Choices - Good or Bad - We've All Made Them

Yesterday at work was not such great day.  Why?  Our sign carrier verbally exploded.  Let me back up a few and give some background on this issue.  When the company owner was in the process of opening his fifth store, his maintenance guy happened upon a homeless fellow that was looking for work.  Mr. Fix-it was all about the company  owner hiring this guy.  I questioned it.  Don't get me wrong, I do not have a problem with someone who is down on their luck getting a boost from those who can give.  However, we knew nothing about this person, where he came from, his criminal history (if he had one), his mental state, etc.  In this day and age one can't be too careful.  This wall comes from working in law enforcement for almost 10 years.  I've seen and heard about an awful lot of well intending people getting hurt by those they are trying to help.  Mr. Owner hired the guy to carry the sandwich boards advertising our business. Let the drama begin.

The first few days weren't so bad.  Mr. Signs got paid daily at the end of the day.  After a few days, he started asking "Can I have an hour or two for lunch money and cigs?"  Mr. Owner obliged him.  Mr. Signs is supposed to be walking from 10 am until at least 5 pm.  We close at 6 pm.  Mr. Signs might work until 3 pm then come in and tell us he was done.  Reasons?
1.  It's too hot.
2.  It's too cold.
3.  Going to a ball game.
4. His girl was giving him trouble.
5. His girl was in trouble - needed to go to another town to get her.
6. Had to go to court.
7. It's raining.
8. Tired.
9. Had enough of people making comments.
10. Got in a fight.

Really?  One day last week another employee and I were looking at a video online of a dog riding a rocking horse - it was hilarious.  Mr. Signs comes in and wants to be clocked out because he has something to take care of.  It just so happened that at the same time he asked that, we laughed because of the video.  Mr. Signs went postal.  He started screaming at my co-worker.  The f-bomb was flying out of his mouth every other word.  He made threats to my co-worker, telling him he was going to rip his head off and ^&*( down his throat, f-this-f-that m-f.  I tried to intervene by telling Mr. Signs he needed to take it down a notch and stop making threats.  He looked at me and said "They ain't threats, they is promises."  I told him that was enough and he needed to leave.  After about 5 more minutes of belligerence, he screamed that he quit and stormed out the door.
Just so happened that Mr. Owner pulled up and Mr. Signs went over and started yelling at him.  Mr. Owner got him to calm down and insisted that he come in and apologize to my co-worker.  Mr. Signs did that, but I was not convinced.

A few days later, a couple of younger people came in saying that Mr. Signs was trying to start a fight outside and some woman was trying to restrain him.  I went out to see what was going on.  It's not good for a company representative to fight with the general public.  The lady was still with Mr. Signs and insisted that the two people who came in the store started the whole thing.  Mr. Signs apologized to me for losing his temper and throwing the sign on the ground.  I informed him that if I got another complaint about him-whether it was his fault or not, he was done.  He protested, but I calmly explained to him that as a business we cannot have this much negative activity going on as it would hurt the reputation of the business.

Moving up to yesterday, it was near the end of the day when a fellow business owner entered the store.  Mind you- Mr. Signs clocked out around 3:30 pm and this happened around 5 pm.  The business owner was obviously very upset about something and wanted to speak to Mr. Owner.  We informed him that Mr. Owner was not present, but was there something we could do to help him.  He claimed that Mr. Signs was in his business parking lot soliciting business right out from under him.  We asked him to explain.  He said the guy in the blue shirt was telling his customers to come over to our store because we paid more.  He expressed his disapproval of this practice to Mr. Signs.  He then told us how Mr. Signs got mouthy and started yelling at him.

I told the business owner that it would be dealt with appropriately.  He said he didn't want any bad blood between the two businesses, but he couldn't let things like that happen.  I told him we understood, that Mr. Signs was currently off the clock, and it would be dealt with.

At about 10 minutes to closing, Mr. Signs came in the store asking if we bought a ring.  I told him no one came in to sell a ring.  I then asked if he had been at the antique shop.  He immediately went on the defensive- yelling and screaming at me.  Throwing the F-bomb every other word.  Accused us of being hoity-toity rich people living in air conditioned homes, driving nice cars, taking vacations and eating out all the time and that he lived in a tent.  I looked him square in the eyes and told him he was where he was because of the choices he had made and continued to make.  He called me a bitch. (not the first time I've been called that - I dealt with angry truck drivers as an inspector - it's part of the job).  I told him that was his opinion and that it was his choice to express that opinion.  I told him that Mr. Owner had explained to him how to get a new ID card since he lost his and he chose not to follow Mr. Owner's advice.  I told him that if he had followed Mr. Owner's advice about the ID card, he could have started the process of looking for more permanent living arrangements.  I could tell by the look on his face that he was getting madder and madder.  I suggested that he go to his tent and chill out for the evening.  To that he said "F*&$ YOU, F*&$ this job and I quit."  I said "That's your choice."

This morning when I drove in the lot, I could see Mr. Signs sitting on the embankment watching me.  Creepy!  Before I could get inside the building, he was right beside me.  He was begging for his job back.  I told him it was out of my hands.  He begged some more and again I told him it wasn't up to me.  I unlocked the door and went inside as he walked away, mad.  He then started calling the store phone.  At first I didn't answer because it wasn't time to open for business.  At about 2 til 10, I answered it.  He wanted to talk to Mr. Owner.  I asked him if he saw Mr. Owner's truck in the lot.  He said no, but he needed to talk to him. He begged me to call him and ask if he could have his job back.  I said if I talked to Mr. Owner, I might say something.

I did indeed talk to Mr. Owner.  I expressed my concern about Mr. Signs verbal abuse to my co-worker and me, his unstable state of mind, his paranoia, his explosive behavior, the fact that he can't follow direction, gets defensive with constructive criticism,  and - most of all-doesn't know when to shut up.  I also expressed concern that Mr. Signs made me uncomfortable and that it creeped me out how he watches us all time.  I told Mr. Owner that it was my opinion that someone who was that violent with words and was ready to fight anyone at anytime could cause harm to me or my co-worker or worse - the customers.
I now worry that Mr. Signs will start stalking us.  He has said previously that he was an Army Ranger.
I pity him too.

Now before anyone gets their feathers ruffled - I don't have a problem with homeless people or people who have had a run of back luck and are currently down and out.  However, don't judge me because I have a job, a house and a  couple of cars.  I have worked hard to get those things and even harder to keep them.  I know about losing a job, being without money, being within a payment or two of losing everything.  Then I lost my home to a fire.  Thankfully I had insurance - that I work hard to pay for.  When I lost my job, I lost a few friends as well.  They couldn't handle having a poor person hanging around.  Not such good friends.  During this dark time in my life that began in 2009, I went through so many emotions.  The depression was the worst and it almost consumed me.  BUT I MADE A CHOICE.  I chose to keep fighting for what I worked so hard for.  I chose to get off my butt, get a job and get back on my feet.  I chose to take responsibility for caring for my family.  I chose NOT to ask for welfare or food stamps. Yes, I got unemployment for awhile.  I was entitled to it.  I've worked since I was 16 and I earned it.  If we didn't have the money to buy something - we didn't. At Christmas, my husband and I didn't buy any presents for ourselves and used what little money we had to buy a couple of toys and some clothes for our son. We didn't go beg for toys at the toy drive.  If the groceries ran low - we made do with what we had even if it was only rice and beans. We didn't go to the food pantry and ask for hand outs.  It wasn't fun, but we muddled through. When we lost the house to the fire, I chose not to wallow in sorrow and self-pity.  I went to work the next day - no sense in sitting around thinking about what happened.  I couldn't change the fact that everything was gone.  I was going to have to start over, again.

How's the house? Oh- going glamping, too!

Well, the house looks more like a house these days.  It has felt paper and ice/water barrier, it has windows, doors and duct work.  The electrician has made his marks for rough in.  The plumber will be out this week or next to mark rough ins for plumbing.  The roofing material should be arriving soon as well as the bricks.  The porches need to be built, as well.  I am getting more and more excited as it moves along.  How soon to move in?   Could be end of summer, but most likely just before Thanksgiving.  Let's hope for the earlier!  I really hate moving in the winter.

We have decided to paint the interior ourselves along with a few friends?  (Anyone else want to join us?)  Free food and beverages along with good conversation will be the pay!  Thanks to all of you who are going to help! We love you.

Taking a break this weekend and going glamping.  Yes, I said glamping - google it if you don't know what it is. I can hardly wait.  We are going with our good friends Amy and Aaron and their two boys.  All told we will have 7 people and 5 dogs - what a herd.  Campfire cooking, s'mores and gold panning.  Sounds like fun!  We don't really expect to find any gold, but it's fun trying.  Hopefully the rain in the forecast won't last to long and the creek won't come up too much.  (Calling for an inch or more tonight into Friday)  Biting my nails.

Hubs is at home trying to get the fishing gear ready - he's had more than a month to get prepared, but true to his nature, waits until the night before.  I have just about everything else ready to go, just have to pack it up.  Everything is staged in the corner of my bedroom.  Looks like a campers garage sale waiting to happen.

Speaking of garage sales - going to have one when we get back from glamping.  We've accumulated at bunch of stuff a auctions that we just don't need.  Those of you who know where we are living - watch craigslist for the dates.

In other news, today is hubby's last day of work at Traderbaker's Vendor Mall.  He's fed up with it.  He's going to set up at flea markets and such to make up for his piddly lost income.  Hopefully he can make a few bucks here and there.  Biting my nails, again.

Not much more to add.  Just about time to go home from work.  It was a pretty slow day today.  Having company dinner tomorrow evening - Red Lobster - bosses choice.  Yay, shrimp.

Have a great weekend and see you next week!

Here's the latest photo of the house.  The front door looks like it has a post right in the middle of it, but that is a porch post about 5 feet out.  The funky box next to that is the chimney.  The room that sticks out funny is the pantry/1/2bath and laundry room.  I am hoping the workers were able to put the black paper on the roof today.  The contractor said they should be starting the brick any time.  We meet with the electrician on Tuesday for electrical placements.  The doors and windows have been ordered. Paint and trim has been picked out.  I have to go to the home store to pick out paint for the exterior doors.  Thought they were going to be stained, but was informed they were not!