Sometimes in life a little heartbreak....

My grandfather is 96.  Four years from a century of being on Earth.  I knew it would happen sooner or later.  No, he hasn't passed on.  He's losing his memories.  June 9, 2012, my beautiful niece was married.  After the wedding, we stopped by Grandpa's house to visit.  He seemed to be doing just fine.  We were carrying on a conversation like usual.  Then it happened.  He looked at his 12-year-old grandson and said "And who is this fine looking young man?"  Lliam, being the sensitive type, burst into tears.  I kept cool, but I think I was in shock.  I suggested to Lliam that he go outside and try to find some rabbits.  I sent his daddy after him to try to explain what just happened.  Grandpa looked at me sort of stunned and asked "Did I say something to offend him?"  I said no, that he had just had a long day with the wedding and all.  He asked who got married.  I explained it was his great granddaughter.  He thought about it for a few minutes and asked again who the boy was that had been sitting next to me.  I had to fight the tears.  I explained it again.  Then I changed the subject.  I asked him if he wanted to send Jessica a check for a wedding gift.  "Who's Jessica?"  I explained it again.  He decided he had better send one if she was his granddaughter.  I wrote the check out for $50 and let him sign it.  I also wrote a note explaining who, why and how much so when my mom visited next, she could explain it to him again.  I also balanced his check book and wrote on the bottom of the check "wedding gift" so he wouldn't think someone had just coerced him to give them money that he didn't know.

I had been given a warning about what was happening earlier in the day, but it didn't register until that moment.  My brother had explained to me that when he and his son were out to visit the day before, the exact same thing happened with his son.  It's heartbreaking when someone you love with all your heart doesn't have a clue who you are.

On the ride home, Lliam was still weepy so I tried to explain in a way that he might better understand.  Here's what I came up with on the fly.  "Lliam, you know when it is really, really foggy outside and you want to pull back the fog like curtains so you can see better?"
"Yeah."
"Well, that's kind of how it is in Grandpa's mind.  We are all in there somewhere, but he can't find us. It's sad, I know, but it happens to most older people.  Sometimes it happens way before this age, but it does happen. He's losing his memories in the fog."
"Oh."
"You know what else I think?  I think that when he goes to heaven to be with Grandma, he will remember every single thing that has ever happened in his life.  I also think that when he remembers something that involves you, that's when you think of a fond memory of him."
A small smile appeared.  "Dad, can we go fishing when we go camping?"

Here forever....

This is a Star Wars token and a polished black rock that were found among the debris after the house was demolished.  The person who found the token is who poured the concrete.  He thought is would be neat to put it in the cement footer.  

The same day, Lliam found this polished black rock from his rock collection in the dirt and Buddy said he could put it in there too.  I think it is awesome for Lliam to be a part of the construction process on the new house.  I know he's been struggling with losing all of his possessions.  He's had a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that 'things' can be replaced.  Take his 'Pooh Blanket', an item he's had since day one.  After the fire we couldn't find it and figured it was lost forever.  I got it in my head to try to find another blanket that looked just like it and I did.  I even found the binding I had used too.  I wrapped it up and gave it to Lliam for Christmas.  He nearly cried and so did I.  He loved it, but said it wasn't the same.  I told him I knew it wasn't the same, but at least he had something tangible to hold on to when he wanted to remember his blanket.  

Then, last week, a minor miracle occurred.  During the demolition of the house, Lance and Lliam went up to watch.  During one swipe of the bucket on the backhoe, a flash of pastel color appeared.  Instantly Lliam knew what it was. He waved his arms wildly and yelled for the equipment to stop. Lance had to hold him back until the workers could get it shut down. Lliam sprinted up to the pile.  There among the rubble was his beloved 'Pooh Blanket'.  It was slightly burnt and had smoke damage, but it was intact.  He was so happy!  So am I.  

What was that about?

Lliam will soon be 12 - less than a month away. Our usual tradition is to spend the night in a hotel so he can go swimming. This year, he mentioned that he wanted a backyard bug safari party. So like any good mother, I have been looking into ideas for such a party. It shouldn't be too terribly difficult.

He had also mentioned that he really liked a certain BB gun he saw at Traderbaker's. Well, we went ahead and bought the gun. We were going to save it for his birthday, but decided to give it to him early. Now my husband just bought the gun today and was going to give it to him this weekend. Why would we give it to him early? Well, he's been through so much lately, including having to change schools in the middle of the year. Hard enough for a regular kid, almost impossible for a special needs kid who HATES changes. He's been doing very well and we thought we would just reward that awesome behavior.

When he was picked up from school today, he asked if the gun was still at the store. His dad told him someone had bought it. OMG....the world just ended. Lliam started crying and blubbering about stupid people and he never gets anything. Lance was trying to get him to calm down and finally shouted out that HE had bought the gun as a surprise for him. Lliam calmed down then said he didn't want a birthday party and didn't want to stay at a hotel for his birthday this year.

Now I ask, was this a statement of stubbornness or was he feeling guilty for blowing up and acting out?

He called me and said he didn't want anything for his birthday. I asked him why several times, but he would only say he didn't know why, he just didn't want that this year. Is he finally realizing that people can do nice things on other days besides Christmas and birthdays?

I hope so, because we do nice things all the time for him. Take the new dog for instance. She wasn't in the budget right now, but she seemed like a perfect fit for him. I rearranged a few things and came up with the money for her. I don't know. It seems like to me that he doesn't always see the nice things, just the times he doesn't get what he wants. That's when we hear what terrible parents we are. How nice. Oh, I know, every parent gets told at one time or another how horrible they are. It's inevitable. It's part of growing up and finding out there are rules and limits to everything. All I can do is hope that someday he sees the light.

Waiting for Spring to arrive.

I am at work today looking out the window. It's been raining most of the day. The wind is making the trees dance and clouds swirl. My husband is at home watching the Big 10 tournament. Yep, its March in Indiana. I am ready to play in the dirt of my garden. I love planting things and watching them grow. I love to eat fresh veggies right from the garden. I enjoy watching the butterflies and bees on their daily flower visits and listening to the birds sing. I can hardly stand living in town - I want to be back on my farm. That house won't be done soon enough!

I long to be outside with my son watching him explore the world of nature and learning from it. He'll be 12 very soon and not too long after that he'll be out in the world on his own. It chokes me up just thinking about it. Have I done everything I can for him? Have I taught him well enough to make it on his own? Have I made him understand that I will love him no matter what? That he can come to me with any question and I will help him find the answer?

I've been away.

Wow, it has really been a long, long time since I posted anything. I guess I kinda got lost in life. Its been a rough couple of years. I am hoping the last major snafu will be the last for a good long time. We lost our house in a fire in October. Undetermined electrical was the cause. What a nighmare. Thankfully we are all ok. We did lose a much loved kitty named Zeke though. He was about 11 I think. An adoptee from the Anderson animal shelter, he was a good kitty. We'd had him since 2004. My husband said as he was running out of the burning house calling "kitty, kitty, kitty" he thought he saw Zeke run back in. Poor critter was confused. Our other 2 kitties were secured after the fire in the garage. They lived in there for 5 weeks while we lived in a hotel room with the 2 dogs. We are all now living in a rental home until ours is rebuilt.

This has been a long process and won't be over for months. I never ever thought in a million years that I would have to actually list every single item in my home. I'm not kidding. Insurance wants to know how many rolls of toilet paper we had to how many magnets were on the fridge. Really? I don't know! My husband and I have spent hours trying to remember. Why is it so hard you may ask. Well you have to understand that I am a collector. (hubbs calls it borderline hoarder) Without looking - can you say how many pairs of socks, undies, bras, purses, jeans, pants, shorts, shoes, belts, bags, makeup brushes, q-tips, bandaids, tea bags, spices, plates, cups, forks, spoons, knives, pens, pencils, buttons, spools of thread, kitchen gadgets, utensils, cleaners, rags, towels, sheets, blankets, pillowcases, movies, cd's, notebooks, stamps, pins, scissors, quilt fabrics, paints, brushes, earrings, necklaces, etc. You get my point. Its not easy.

Did you notice how scattered the list is? Well that is what happens in my head when I am trying to list stuff. I will try to focus on one room - say the kitchen- when all of the sudden something will pop in my head and off my mind goes to that room, then on to the next room. Before I know it, my brain is ready to explode and I have to walk away. Been at this for 3 months.

Insurance also wants to know when we bought/aquired it, how much we paid, and current replacement cost including tax. OMG! Some stuff will never be able to be replaced. I had a lot of discontinued quilt fabrics, antiques and pictures. HELLO!!!!!!!

I had a bunch of vintage trade blankets from the 1930's and 1940's. I've been collecting them for years. I recently checked an online auction site - WOW! I didn't pay anywhere near those prices!

Oh and my pink leather jacket. I found what was left of that in the rubble. I haven't found another one yet.

Why am I not thinking of things right now instead of posting? Well, it's time for one of those breaks. Thankfully I have the kind of job allows me to do this kind of thing. After all, there's not much I can do until a customer actually walks through the door.

Stay tuned.

I need answers

I am SO tired of dealing with autism. Medication after medication. Hospitalizations. Meltdowns - his then mine. No time away. Oh sure, I just had a 5 day vacation, but damn after 9 years that's not very much. We can't go out - no one will watch him. We've lost most of our friends because he is out of control. The few we do have, haven't really seen much of a meltdown, YET.

I cry myself to sleep so often - I should be out of tears. Hell, I'm crying right now. He had a meltdown this evening in public - one lady threatened to call the police. I said 'Go ahead, I could use a break.' She huffed and walked away. Gee, lady thanks for the help!

Why?

Shouldn't the dog be sleeping on the floor?

Merry Christmas

Another Christmas is over and I am just worn out. We had a good one albeit slim. This economy has everyone in a tight spot this year.I did get a really cute pair of cowgirl boots and some Farmgirl apparel.

Lliam received mostly what he had asked Santa for. I think his most favorite thing was the Wii Harry Potter game he received from my mother. (see the expression on his face?)It was the very last thing his grandpa bought for him before he passed away. When I told Lliam this, he nearly burst into tears and ran to my mother for a big hug.

My grandpa is so very difficult to get gifts for. He is 92 years young and always says he doesn't want us to spend our money on him. Well, I just cannot justify this as he has always done so much for us. He had made a comment a few weeks ago about his bedroom being cold and having a hard time falling asleep between the icy cold sheets. He had thought about getting a small heater to put in there and then decided against that as it would increase his electric bill. So I thought and thought and thought about how to make is room warmer. This year I gave him flannel sheets. He said in all his 92 years, he had never had a set of flannel sheets. After I was sure he liked them, I put them on his bed (along with another blanket) and washed and dried the sheets I removed. I do hope it helps.

We are planning on starting a new little country market in 2009. It won't be much to start with as we won't have much to put in it. We are going to offer soaps, lip balms and other bath type products that are organic or mostly organic. We are also still shooting for the horse hotel. I am also going to offer upcycled aprons and other cutsie farmgirl things.

Greetings to all

Well isn't this nice. I am new to this blogging thing so bear with me as I learn by making mistakes.

I am a farmgirl from Indiana and am learning the organic way of life. I have always liked the outdoors and animals. We have 2 horses, 2 dogs, 13 cats, several chickens and 2 ducks.
Our horses are Doc, 15 y/o Arab/Morgan pony (1 inch from being a horse) and Rocket. Rocket is a 4 y/o quarter horse that was a rescue from an abusive owner. He is from the "IMPRESSIVE" bloodline and had the blood disorder that is famous with that line.

Harvey is 7 y/o black lab and Henry is a 6 y/o Finnish Spitz/Chihuahua (looks like a fox).
Zeke is our 7y/o house cat adopted from an animal shelter (the same one Henry came from). We have 12 more barn cats: Tippy, Momo, Skippy, Shadow, Smokey Joe, Chesapeake, Dobby, Betty, Frostie, Cujo, Junebug and Rajah.

Bubba and Duck Tape are the two ducks and the only chicken we have left that is named is the rooster, VADER. We have several hens, but none named.

My tractor is a 1941 Farmall M in great shape except that we can't get it started right now. My husband is not much of a mechanic and I haven't had time to look at it. My 92 y/o grandpa told me several things to check and hubby has, but he still can't get it going. I think it may have moisture in the gas.....(to be continued)

I have been married for 15 years and we have 1 child together. Lliam is 8 and is a high functioning autistic also known as Asperger's Syndrome. He is a very bright child, but socially backwards. Looks a lot like Opie.

Well, I guess this is enough to start with since I am tired (1230 am and I have to work tomorrow!!)

Good night.